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..Is one of the best feelings in the world

My email crashed last week.

It wasn’t fun.

But when we finally resurrected it I came across every email I have ever saved since 2004. It was a lot of emails, and a nice trip down memory lane.

Some of the very first emails between me and my husband we’re funny, and cute, but mostly just funny. We were nerds. Nerds who dwelled to much on stupid things. Oh, if only we knew then what we know now, oh wait.. We’d still know nothing!

Not my point.

It was a little flash of how far we’ve come and simultaneously how far we’ve fallen lately.

Take a trip down memory lane with me

Him: Really don’t know what I would do without you. Sorry to say but you complete me right now.

{Please also note the date of the following emails is March 26. Our first official date was March 6th! Move fast much?} {Related : Welcome to Utah!}

Me: why are you sorry to say that? I’m so glad your happy, and I’m glad your complete! it makes me feel really good that I can offer that to you. I’m still really scared of letting you down, and not being what you need. but for now, I’m really glad your happy!

Him: Well I just didn’t think you wanted to hear that from me, and don’t worry about letting me down because you cant.

Me: I have the feeling that I’m going to let you down..and fail you.. and not be the kind of person you need me to be.. I feel like I try so hard to be perfect for you.. but sometimes I think I’m just doing it for you.. and not for me.. and I hate that. I want to be a better person for myself

{A lot of what I am referring to here is the conversion I went through while dating him. The only thing that would make marriage possible (for us, not judging anyone, just what we really wanted to have accomplished before getting married.))

Him: You are what I need, and don’t worry about letting me down because you are everything I need.I could wait forever. That’s how much you mean to me.


And I kinda did make him wait forever. At least in Utah time. It was FORREEEVER. But we waited. We made it through. We both became the people we needed each other to be. We pushed each other hard. We worked hard and battled so much a long the way.

We lost friends. Well, I lost friends. One of the best friends I had ever had. We fought with family. We battled around every corner. Have you ever heard that the opposition is strongest when you are trying to do what it right?

That one phrase couldn’t have been more true in our engagement and dating. We were fighting opposition daily. So many times we just had to block it out, just let it go. Pretend it didn’t get to us.

A few months later I poured out my heart to him in yet another email and said this.

To Him: Being able to be yourself and know that you are loved for you, is one of the best feelings in he world. I hope one day, as I grow and become a better person, I can return the favor and make you want to be stronger and better. If we are able to feed off each others testimonies and strengths I think our weaknesses will slowly fade away.

What plans I had for our life. What hope I had for our future. That hope is still there. Even though as the years go by we seem to become less of an example for each other, and our testimonies aren’t feeding off each other like they really should. But I know it won’t last long. We are still stronger than we were back then. Just not the perfection we both strive to be. Isn’t that what is so great about life, and love? You are constantly in motion, constantly changing.

But one this is for sure, “Being able to be yourself and know that you are loved for you, is one of the best feelings in the world.”

And we are both so loved by each other. One of the best feelings in the world.

My light..

{The light at the end of my tunnel}

I have been fairly open with my struggles through parenthood, and I plan to be more open with it in the very near future. I want nothing more than someone else who feels the same way to know they aren’t alone. And also, just to get it out of my head. Maybe mostly that.

I’ve been feeling better lately, at least a little better. I don’t know if it’s because Miles is growing up and is no longer so totally dependent or maybe I’m just handling those moments of total dependence better.

That’s not to say that we don’t both have meltdowns, because we do. Often. More importantly we have moments. Amazing moments that seem to make everything else disappear.
I think I am getting a tiny glimmer of what everyone means when they say

“It’s hard but it’s worth it.”

I can honestly say, I had seen so little of the “it’s worth it” side up until recently.

We’ve had so many good moments lately. He runs to me after work now. I never imagined what it would be like to open the door after a long day and have your child come running to you. It’s better than I could have ever imagined so I’m glad I didn’t.

When times get hard, or I feel myself slipping, I remind myself that he is the light at the end of my tunnel. He is what is waiting on the other side for me. He will come running..

{You Capture – A Moment}

Mommy & Me Monday!

{During the week, I try very hard to get out from behind the camera and Mommy & Me Monday helps me do that.}

Sometimes meal time is the best time for a Mommy & Me picture! (Mainly because he is confined to one place) Mostly because we have been SO excited about all the new foods he’s been eating lately. We haven’t had an allergic reaction in 7 months!!!!! (The longest we had gone before that was 2 weeks) 7 months is HUGE for us. We’ve had so much fun eating lately and we’ve all loosened up a little. It’s been a reprieve we’ve all needed.

So this week, Beez and Mom smile over dinner.

We love our books…

Saturday morning I was in charge while Aaron took a shower. I was working diligently and suddenly realized it was far to quiet. I got up from my chair and started looking for Beez. Our bedroom door was open so I was sure he had wandered in there. I opened every door, looked under every piece of furniture, my heart started to beat faster with every empty space. I looked faster, ran around the house in an almost panic. He wasn’t anywhere, and it was so quiet. My mind jumped to the worst of conclusions. I finally opened the last closed door, his bedroom. There he was quietly sitting in his closet surrounded by books. Reading to himself. He looked at me as I drew a big deep breath. Softly walked over, pushed the door shut again and this time I watched him on the monitor return to his closet and pick up another book.
I guess kids need alone time too.


When only 2 people in this entire world new of the teeny tiny new baby growing inside of my tummy, I attended a book show and bought 10 children’s book. Surprisingly, no one asked why. They were my favorite books. They are my favorite books. Board books, and touchy feely. Virtually indestructible (but not so immune to spit up.)

Miles loved texture as a learning infant, these books brought him such joy. He could easily open up to the page with the lion’s scratchy paws. (It’s always been his favorite page!) The “That’s Not My…” is our favorite series, and our favorite set books.


There was a time I thought I would never be able to read to him. He never sat still, he hated just sitting down. I could make it through one page before the crying began. I wondered how parents read to their kids every night. I learned the answer to that question was, patience.

Now story time is our favorite time of night.

I can’t imagine our life without our books. The joy they bring to him. The peace they bring over him. We love them..

{Part of O My Books Week over at OMyFamily}

I’m working on it..

Most nights I arrive home only a hour before Miles goes to bed, yet somehow all I want to do it just sit down. Maybe read emails, catch up on what is going on that I missed.

Most nights, sadly, I don’t have a lot of patients for him. I know this is a HUGE parenting/mothering flaw I have, and I’m working on it. Slowly, I am working on it.

I hate that I don’t have patients for him. I hate that I almost loathe coming home knowing he’s going to be whining and crying. That he’s just going to pull on my pant leg while I try to do the dishes. Saying MaMa, MaMa, MaMa over an over. He’s going to want my shoe off, so he can hand it back to me and say MaMa. He’s going to want my pump so he can bring it to me and tell me it’s MaMa’s. He’ll want my glasses. He pushes my necklace into my mouth, while still saying MaMa. He needs me. Nobody else can touch him once I walk in the door. He doesn’t understand I have dinner to make, things to clean up, and I just want to relax.

He needs his MaMa. Someone he hasn’t even seen in 23 hours.

Most days I stand at the front door and take a deep breath before opening it.

My son sees me for only 5 hours during the week.

5 hours.

I see my own child less than a divorced parent.

Yet, I still have to work on being patient with him?? Letting him just need me?? Surrendering myself to him, like I should??

Most nights, those feelings all disappear as we sit on the edge of the bed after bath time. He’s still warm from the bath. He’s cuddled in soft pajamas, his hair still wet. His teeth are freshly brushed, he holds tight to his tooth brush. And we read.

I take that moment in. I never want that moment to end. I beg him not to go to bed, just to let me have one more moment. I ask him nightly when he’s moving to a big boy bed, and tell him how I am going to sleep every night with him, just to be with him a little longer. I tell him how I want to hug him so tight it squishes his guts out. And I do. I want to hug him so tight.

I this moment NOTHING else matters. He is mine. He holds my heart. My entire heart. He can have my glasses, he can have my necklace, and I will carry him around all evening just to be with him. In this moment of quiet, I want it all.


{You Capture – Quiet Hosted by : I Should Be Folding Laundry}