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I am a mother

February 1, 2011 Leave a Comment

I love my archives.

HECK, I love archives PERIOD! I spend hours getting lost in her archives, and thinking, “Wow, I remember when Racecar and Ariel we’re that little. I’ve been reading that long?”

The other night, I probably spent 6 HOURS mesmerized by her archives. Re-reading her birthstory for maybe the 5th time.

I LOVE ARCHIVES.

And I love getting lost in my own.

This time i took a tour around my draft posts. Those post I start, but they just don’t end up in the direction I intend them to go, so I just hit save and close out the window.

Sometimes there is something in there that get’s me..

Like this..

Written almost exactly one year ago:

I have been a mother for 14 months 6 days and 4 hours.
But that doesn’t mean much. I almost want to start over.
Today. Today I became a mother. Today was the first time I have ever readied myself and Miles to leave the house, and left alone. Today was the first time I have ever spent ALL DAY just the two of us. No helping hands, no one to get a diaper for me, or remember the diaper bag when we left the house.
I got us up, got us fed, showered, dressed and both of us went to work. We came home, we made dinner, ate dinner and did bathtime. All by ourselves. Bedtime, well that’s another story, but we’re still trying.

Does the feeling of wanting to start over ever go away?? I still feel like that and I’ve been a mother now for 25 months, 11 days and 6 minutes.

I think that passage I wrote in February of last year hit me so hard because I remember that girl so well.

For HER to get HER baby out of the house and do an entire day solo was A MIRACLE.

Truth: I have only done that 1 time since.

There have only been 2 times in 2 years, 1 months, 11 days and 6 minutes that I have EVER gotten Miles and Myself dressed and out of the house in the morning. SOLO.

But, I AM A MOTHER.

I am HIS mother, and I think today, I actually appreciate that. THAT girl, up there, didn’t.

OH MY baby Miles!!!!! I wish the me that was then, could see him now…

Filed Under: I am a mother, ppd

Because it’s cheaper than therapy

November 30, 2010 6 Comments

Have you ever gone out at night after a snow storm? Or really anytime after a snow storm? It’s so quiet. I love that quiet.

This is our first year living in a full sized house with full sized sidewalks and a full sized driveway that need to be shoveled. So far, I’m loving it.

When you go out to shovel you get all bundled up and can’t hear or see much of anything.

It’s just you, and your thoughts.

I love it.

Tonight I just needed a little more alone time so I headed out to shovel for the second time today. Not only am I get this amazing time of peace, but it’s a fantastic work out.

We finished our driveway and sidewalks (for the second time!!) and I just wasn’t done, so we headed next door. And shoveled some more.

I wish I could say I was having deep thought alone with my self under that heavy winter coat and warm hood. But I wasn’t. Tonight I sand the Elmo song, over and over and over again. But it was peaceful, serene and nice to be out there with just my husband. Shoveling along.

I suppose I shovel snow because it’s cheaper than therapy. I still get to listen to myself talk for an hour and don’t have to pay anyone to listen.

So I shovel.

(and enjoy it…)

***********************

They aren’t kidding when they say it’s a good workout (p.s. “they” is my trainer, he says it burns about 600 calories and hour.) While I shoveled this evening I burned 535 in the hour I was shoveling. And I felt it. I felt good. And worked out, and hot and tired. All those good feeling you get from going to the gym. But almost more… I never look quite this bad when I get home from the gym…


(oh yes, I did just post that picture! No shame, ya’ll)

And also the endorphins. Cheaper than therapy…

So I shovel.

Filed Under: My Thoughts, ppd

Always remind me..

November 17, 2010 2 Comments
(picture taken by the beautiful and talented Mrs. O, herself!)

On my parents last trip to California, they brought back a few wooden word signs that my sister bought us.

They’re cute and displayed right by the front door.

But one says “I love being a mom, but please remind me”

Most days I walk past that sign and chuckle. Some days that sign is enough to collapse me.

Today was one of those days.

Today was one of those days where it felt like some of the very first days.

I’m not going to lie, I am STILL dealing with PPD 2 years later. I’m still not over it.

I STILL have thoughts I shouldn’t have. I praise the Lord that I know the difference between those thoughts and actions, but when I tell Aaron I just can’t do it anymore, I need him to jump in quickly.

Days like this, that sign brings me to my knees. Who needs to be reminded that they love being a parent?? Obviously, me.

So please don’t ever stop reminding me.

Filed Under: ppd

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