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6 months..

This time last week, a 6 month “anniversary” snuck right by me.

5 months ago, I wouldn’t have fathomed the possibility of that date passing by without noticing.

For 6 months we have survived.

But more than surviving, we’ve had fun and by some miracle we’ve made it through this. Me and Miles. Side by side.

I like to think this pregnancy has helped by making the time WOOOSH  by. And by giving me something to focus on. Something beyond the empty spot in my bed. The empty chair at the dinner table, and the naked finger on my left hand.

I’ve been focusing on so much more than those things.

We’ve been playing hard and resting even harder.

I’ve become more grateful for the patience and acceptance my little 3 year old has. For his good attitude and for what an, overall, well behaved boy he is.

But I still can’t ignore that 6 months have passed.
I wonder what the limitations are on saying this situation is “new” for us. I still tell people it “just happened.” it feels like it JUST HAPPENED. my heart is still raw, the wounds are still so fresh. Yet, a week ago 6 months have passed. And I didn’t even notice.

Instead I noticed how incredibly smart Miles has become. I’ve noticed his amazing memory, as he recalls vivid details of a building he hasn’t been to or see since he was 20 months old.  I’ve noticed that I have 2 months left before I reunite this little guy in my tummy with his mommy and daddy. I’ve noticed the sun shining through trees, instead of dark bleary winter we are used to. I’ve noticed blessings pouring onto us. More than we deserve. I’ve noticed friends taking care of us. Inviting us over for play time. Inviting me out to dinner. I’ve noticed tighter hugs as Miles whispers in my ear, “I missed you so much at dada’s house.” I’ve noticed his cuddling and his laughter. Our moments together are so much sweeter. For both of us.

I’ve noticed so much more than 6 months of being alone.

And I think THAT is what this is really about.

Navigating without direction..

Being an adult is a crazy ride.

You get married and realize there isn’t a handbook on the way to have a successful happy marriage.  So you fumble, you succeed, you fall, you get back up. And some how you figure it all out.

Until a baby comes along. Then you’re completely lost again, wondering where in the world your book is on how to do this right. Suddenly “doing it right” is A LOT riskier. But again, you figure it out. (sorta.) And you keep doing your best to figure it out.

And then, when the worst happens and you’re faced with divorce and shared custody, you find yourself PLEADING for a handbook. There are no answers for you on how to handle things. How to make sure your child suffers as little as possible. (you’re just kidding yourself if you think your child won’t suffer at all. No matter how young or how old. This is realized quickly.)

So here I am.

Stumbling. Picking myself back up. Crying just as hard as Miles is as I hug him. Having great days. Having the lowest of low days. It comes and goes. And I still don’t have a clear direction of which way I shouldn’t or shouldn’t go.

Right now, I would say that Aaron and I have a pretty good relationship. Since the initial separation we haven’t had very many FIGHTS. (the screaming yelling crying kind) There is very little drama.

There was a time when I only reached out to my close friends, most of who don’t know me in real life. And asked for advice.

The greatest and most inspiring came from a friend that I had NO clue had been through divorce. She confided in me and helped me more than she’ll probably ever know.

“…every day I told myself I wanted to be proud of how I acted when I was 80 and looked back on it. I wanted to be able to go to God and say “I did your will”. It was the hardest thing I ever did.”

I have CLUNG to those words every day since that day.

I do what I can to make sure I can look back on this time and be proud. Not only in my own eyes but in God’s eyes also.

I don’t always succeed. I have bad days where my mouth gets the best of me, or my emotions take over, but I try.

Miles is a strong boy. He understands and communicates so much better than other {barely} 3 year olds than I know.

So for now. He decides. He decides when he comes, when he goes and who he is with at any time.

I think it’s the right things to do.

But is it?

This isn’t a fun road.

I’ve struggled with wanting to just get it all out. Should I start an anonymous blog? Or twitter? Just get things out.

But then I remember, I want to look back on this time and be PROUD.

Those things I WANT to say, don’t NEED to be said.

So I just keep driving, PRAYING I’m making the right choices. PRAYING I’m doing what’s best for Miles. PRAYING this road has an end.


The dreaded “D” word..

It’s been kinda quiet around here.

I needed time.

Time to remind my heart to keep beating.

Time for my brain to wrap it’s self around what happened.

Time for me to dwell on the “what now.”


Awhile ago my husband made the decision to leave our marriage.

I was shocked and completely blindsided from the beginning.

I’m over the details.

I used to thrive on spilling every little detail to anyone that seemed like they were even slightly interested. But not anymore.

It is what it is.

I’m a single mom.

He has his own apartment.

Miles doesn’t have a daddy that lives here anymore.

Really? Those are the only ‘details’ that matter anymore. Or at least matter to us.

We are “ok”. I’ve used the term okayish more than I can even count. Because how are you okay when your 4 year marriage abruptly comes to a screeching halt? How are you okay when you hear your baby cry because he misses his daddy? Or when he says over and over “I wish dada could come home.”

So we’re not really okay. But at the same time we are.

We get up, we get dressed, we play with toys.
We have good days.
We have bad nights here and there. But we have good days.

I still have a happy 3 year old (HE TURNED THREE!!) and another family’s squirmy little one in my tummy to take care of. We are doing okay.
I can’t say enough about the out pouring of love, prayers and hugs that have come our way. I have felt truly and peace through this and I know that’s the reason.

Thank you for enduring the silence while I didn’t know quite what to say.

But now that the bad news is out of the way, we have lots of happy things to talk about again.