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Navigating without direction..

Being an adult is a crazy ride.

You get married and realize there isn’t a handbook on the way to have a successful happy marriage.  So you fumble, you succeed, you fall, you get back up. And some how you figure it all out.

Until a baby comes along. Then you’re completely lost again, wondering where in the world your book is on how to do this right. Suddenly “doing it right” is A LOT riskier. But again, you figure it out. (sorta.) And you keep doing your best to figure it out.

And then, when the worst happens and you’re faced with divorce and shared custody, you find yourself PLEADING for a handbook. There are no answers for you on how to handle things. How to make sure your child suffers as little as possible. (you’re just kidding yourself if you think your child won’t suffer at all. No matter how young or how old. This is realized quickly.)

So here I am.

Stumbling. Picking myself back up. Crying just as hard as Miles is as I hug him. Having great days. Having the lowest of low days. It comes and goes. And I still don’t have a clear direction of which way I shouldn’t or shouldn’t go.

Right now, I would say that Aaron and I have a pretty good relationship. Since the initial separation we haven’t had very many FIGHTS. (the screaming yelling crying kind) There is very little drama.

There was a time when I only reached out to my close friends, most of who don’t know me in real life. And asked for advice.

The greatest and most inspiring came from a friend that I had NO clue had been through divorce. She confided in me and helped me more than she’ll probably ever know.

“…every day I told myself I wanted to be proud of how I acted when I was 80 and looked back on it. I wanted to be able to go to God and say “I did your will”. It was the hardest thing I ever did.”

I have CLUNG to those words every day since that day.

I do what I can to make sure I can look back on this time and be proud. Not only in my own eyes but in God’s eyes also.

I don’t always succeed. I have bad days where my mouth gets the best of me, or my emotions take over, but I try.

Miles is a strong boy. He understands and communicates so much better than other {barely} 3 year olds than I know.

So for now. He decides. He decides when he comes, when he goes and who he is with at any time.

I think it’s the right things to do.

But is it?

This isn’t a fun road.

I’ve struggled with wanting to just get it all out. Should I start an anonymous blog? Or twitter? Just get things out.

But then I remember, I want to look back on this time and be PROUD.

Those things I WANT to say, don’t NEED to be said.

So I just keep driving, PRAYING I’m making the right choices. PRAYING I’m doing what’s best for Miles. PRAYING this road has an end.

Somewhere.

Comments

  1. Ryley, the best thing you can do for yourself is to get it all out! I have a friend that is a therapist (I didn’t always look at therapists as a “good” thing – until I made this friend and found out she was a therapist, now I believe everyone needs a therapst!!) and she always tells me when I am having a hard time, I need to journal all of it. Writing it down somewhere really does help “clear your head” I now have a journal on my computer where I write down my thoughts. If I am “mad” at someone, I write them a letter, secretly hoping they find it someday. It really does make me feel a lot better! I PROMISE IT WORKS!!!!
    I don’t have advice for any of the other things that are bothering you, or any tips on divorce, other than consistency is best! I am here if you need an “outsider” to talk to . Good luck! My prayers are with you and Miles :)

  2. Kristin galbraith says:

    Ryley, I appreciate your strength and convictions to be positive, as not many in your situation would be. I think it’s great you want to be strong, but I just hope you have an outlet (besides twitter or facebook) to express yourself. You’re awesome, and don’t forget it…and if you do, feel free to call on your old pal Kristin.. I’ll remind you of how great the Ryley Fullerton i knew was… ;)

  3. Your friend is very, very, very wise. And I will take the same advice even though I’m not in a situation like yours. Still, I think we could all take it to heart.

    Thinking of you and praying for you and tweeting with you–whatever I can do for you, let me know.

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