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1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to (part 1 of #1)

The cold rock was hard against my back but simultaneously felt like the softest place I had ever rested.
A few stars sparkled through the towering pine trees above us.
The air was cool and crisp, but I still couldn’t take a full breath.

I know EVERYTHING about him.
He told me the story of his lost virginity. It took my breath away because it was so unexpected and not at all loving.
I went to the mall to see who she was. I still remember the movie they were watching.
I knew every story of his childhood that meant anything to him.
His parents. They were something else. My parents had a few run in’s with them.
We watched “My Best Friends Wedding” together. A lot.
We made the cheesy promise that every male female best friend couple made in 1997.
I closed my eyes tight and wished for 2013. When we’d both be 30 and single.

The night had lead us, alone, up to this rock that we both loved.
The brown fake fur blanket was warm against our bodies as the sensation of the cold rock chilled our backs.

I don’t remember a single word of our conversation. My mind was a million miles away. Or frankly, inches away. With him.

I moved my hand under the blanket onto his stomach.
The literal sparks that flew from the blanket echoed the sparks in my heart.

He leaned up resting on one elbow and asked “What would you do if I kissed you right now?”
I felt my lips tightening, my head falling back and I couldn’t hold back the laughter.
“Probably slap you,” I laughed.
Where did that come from?
Everything I always knew that I never really wanted with him was right in front of me, but…
“I cant lose my bestfriend. I don’t know what I’d do with out you. I cant risk that.” Was what I said instead.
“You’re right…” he mumbled as he sighed back onto the hard rock.
The stars still danced as my mind raced with WHATDIDYOUJUSTDO’s.
I was right.. right?

The conversation resume to “normal” as quickly as it had veered off that track.

It was late.
“We should get home.”

I will never forget the moment we drove down the winding canyon road when another car pulled behind us honking.
Then pulled beside us.
He knew her.
I didn’t.
WE didn’t end there.
But they began there.

6 years later my phone would ring while I was in the baking section at a WalMart in California
6 years later his voice would be shaky on the other end of the phone.
6 years later he would cry as he told me she was pregnant and he was going to marry her.
And could I come back for the wedding . Please.

6 years later my dreams of 1997 would be shattered.
But I’d still have my best friend.


This is the first installment of a series I will be writing on each of the things outlined in the 30 by 30 list originally posted in Glamor magazine. And posted about (by me) here. They wont be in order. Probably. Except for the first two.


  1. How well does this story end? If it were a movie, would I want to watch it? Or would it make me sad?

    Guess I’ll just have to keep reading the series!

    • Sadly, the story ends there. We still talk, often. He’s still (HAPPILY) married. He’s still my one I would always go back to.

  2. Aww :/

  3. I don’t have one I’d always go back to, because I married him. And all the rest show me how I’ve grown! :)


  1. […] 30, you should have … 1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come. 2. A decent piece of furniture not previously […]

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