I really thought twice about actually pushing publish on this entry..
It was written last week.. exactly a week ago..
Before I realized that a little allergies would be nothing compared to the blistering aching sunburn I currently have..
And I kinda feel bad for this post.. but I think its also important to remember that everyday isn’t roses and sunshine. Just because you have something incredibly wonderful happening to you, doesn’t mean that some days you still don’t feel like poop!
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I don’t want to be pregnant today..
And I feel a little guilty about that. There are so many people that can’t get pregnant.. Or that loose their babies. I should be grateful for every second. And I truly am.. But today.. I’m tired.. I have allergies. I’m having a hard time breathing.. Its hard for me to breath lately anyway..and the air is like soup today. Making it even harder.
Today I just want to forget.. Today I just want to be me..and sleepy..and not feel good.. And in my mind I can… I don’t throw up.. I don’t have anything kicking me in the ribs.. I don’t have an aching chest.. All I have is unbuttoned pants. I don’t have anything that makes this pregnancy “real’ yet. (besides a million pictures of what I think might be human swimming around in there) so for one day.. I can forget about it. I don’t have any constant reminders. But then I think about how I would feel if something happens to this baby..and I took this day to “forget” about it. How badly would I want this day back. I day to remember. A day to want to feel pregnant.
So then I feel bad.. And I start to change my mind.. Because I think about all the blogs I read of women that would give anything to “feel” pregnant for just another minute..
For the most part.. I cherish every moment of it. I remember looking back at other pregnant women I’ve known and their constant complaining.. I remember always thinking “I’ll never be like that, I’ll love every minute of it. Even if I don’t.” because I don’t want to remember it like that. I don’t want to remember this experience as a bad thing. This is the only time I will ever have just me and this baby. Just me and this little guy.. (and if it ends up being a girl.. Sorry that I just called you a boy..) never again will I be able to experience this exact thing. I really need to focus more on that.. And be more thankful.
Even though I think for the most part I really am. I’ve been really good lately at thinking of a positive for every negative that pops into my head. I hate that I bleed everyday.. I hate that I have to go to the bathroom every 5 minutes even I don’t need to go because I need to check and see what its doing. I hate having to worry about it constantly. But I know it was a trade off. I was never sick. Sure I got nauseous every once in awhile. But I was never SICK SICK.. Last night I was wondering what I’d rather have.. 3 months of puking my guts up and feeling absolutely miserable.. Or 6 months of constant bleeding and worrying that any day may be its last..
But I’m still thankful for any day that I have… or any problems I have.. Because they will all be memories that I will never forget…and that I will always have… And its just so personal.. And I love that.. Its just between me and him.. (or her..) and no one else can experience that.. That sounds pretty selfish.. But I guess I am.. Sorry!
I think I’m feeling better now that I got all that out.. But I still cant wait to get my unbuttoned pants home and into bed.. Or snuggled on the couch..
My BabyCenter email today told me how great and energetic I should be feeling now! HA! I’ve never wanted to crawl in bed more.. But boy is my husband suffering. I haven’t done a single thing around the house is months.. I do cook dinner every once in awhile but the energy is takes to make the dinner wipes me out and I can hardly eat!!!
And also.. I’m so looking forward to day light savings.. I feel so dumb going to bed every night when its still light outside! Will it be dark at 8 after day light savings?? I sure hope so! But I’ve gotta get as much sleep as possible in.. Since I wake up.. 2.. Or 3.. Or 4 times during the night to pee!!! But again… even though it really doesn’t sound like it.. I really am thankful for those things and I wouldn’t trade them for the world right now..
BRING IT ON!
I can take it.. I’ve always had the feeling that I will suffer whatever I need to… and be put through whatever I need to. In order to have a healthy and well baby at the end of this.. Because really.. What is 10 months of misery compared too maybe a 100 years of life! How selfish would it be for me to complain and hate this 10 months. It’s the least I can do.. And I was all done for each of us..and it will be done for everyone else for the rest of time..
Does that mean I wont complain?? Probably not.. You’ll probably hear a WHOLE lot of it from time to time.. But it isn’t because I hate this.. Or want it over.. Its just to make conversation! :)
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To tell you the truth.. Since Saturday I haven’t really thought much about the baby.. I’ve felt great. (pregnancy wise.. I’ve been completely miserable sunburn wise..) I think the sunburn is taking up so much of my energy and thoughts that I don’t remember the little baby things. We still read the pregnancy calendar that hangs on our fridge every day to see what’s supposed to be happening, but mostly just to cross another day off. I can’t believe I’ve almost already crossed off 4 pages!! Just seems crazy to me!
I have had a little more energy lately.. I did the dishes one day last week, and even made dinner a few times..And I think I’ve stayed up past 9 twice!!
Thanks for reading my rambling.. In the post after this.. I get what I deserve for writing this..
stay tuned.. :)
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