The past 3 months have been filled with so much anticipation and so much joy. For the first time in 3 months I felt shear panic. The nerves shook my hands as they gripped the steering wheel. I could hear my heart beating. For a moment I thought I might hyperventilate. I considered pulling the car over. At the next stop light I sent an SOS to my closest friends to let them know I could use all the prayers they could spare.
I was driving to my monitoring clinic for the very first ultrasound. Hoping and praying to at least see one heartbeat from the 3 embryos we transferred 5 weeks earlier.
My mind had been so full of positives. Mantras I repeated over and over for 3 months. Today, I couldn’t remember any of them. My mind was suddenly filled with “What Ifs.” My mind couldn’t let them go.
Suddenly the radio went silent. My mind switched the daunting task of reaching allll the way to the radio to change it. When just as quickly as it went silent..
I chuckled a little. Of course. Turned the radio up WAY louder than it should have been and listened to every word. And there I was, driving down the road crying to a Gym Class Heroes song. (That thoughts made me chuckle too.)
My worries lifted like a big black cloud. Of course, this heart will beat and it will beat for me. It will beat so I can call the parents and tell them they are about to be parents. It will beat so they will hold their baby in 8 months. It will beat and I will listen close.
It was less than 30 minutes until I was laying on the table ready. Immediately one little black circle appeared on the screen. Then.. there it was. That flicker. The baby is so small right now. But there was a flicker.
It amazes me how little the baby can be and how strong that little teeny tiny heart can beat. The doctor turned up the sound and there it was.
I listened close.
We are all so excited to welcome this baby into the world.