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We are a family

On March 3rd and 10:56 am I read this post. Everything resonated with me.

I was having a particularly rough day. I remember it. I was frustrated with everything. I had a rough evening at home. I had a rough week.

I wrote a comment on that post. Something I had NEVER told anyone. Something I never said “out loud” before. I needed to get it out and thought of that blog as the perfect safe haven. Nobody knew me there. No one was going to judge me and I wasn’t a frequent commenter so I probably wouldn’t have many people come visit me from one little comment. I thought.

{It has taken me this long to talk about it, because I never wanted to put these words out there for someone who knows me to read. But I can 100% say I no longer feel this way. It took me A LONG time to snap out of this, but I think I am finally there. Sure sometimes I lay in bed and still wonder the what-if’s of if we had waited longer to have children, but I no longer wish we hadn’t. Not even for one second. Not one second. And that is the only reason I feel comfortable talking about this now. Because I am not there anymore. It’s just a memory. And not one I am fond of.}

The post was about Postpartum Depression. At the end of her post she said:

“How are you dealing with it?

Are you medicated?

Or do you use other therapies?

Do you talk about it on your blog?

Or are you too scared to admit it out loud?”

On March 3rd at 10:56am I commented:

I don’t talk about it.

Even 14 months after having my son I
still
feel like I struggle with PPD daily.

I hate
it.

I don’t feel completely attached to him. I love him with all
my heart, I
really do, but I still don’t see what the joy is in this whole
motherhood
thing.

Everyone says its so worth it and so
rewarding. I don’t
see that.

I’m pretty sure I don’t ever
want another one.
It’s so hard.

So, I just don’t talk about
it.

How do you say out loud that you don’t like being a mother?
That you wish you had waited longer (I was 26!!) or that you kinda wish you
hadn’t even had your son? How
do you say that out loud and be okay with it?
So you just don’t. you keep it inside, you smile and tell everyone how great it
is to be a mom.

How do you say you wish you weren’t a mom when
all around you people are having miscarriages, your friends have having still
born babies, your friends babies are dying of SIDS, or cancer, or dealing with
some horrible disease. How can you be so selfish? They want a baby so badly, and
you have one and don’t?

You just don’t say those things..So I
keep it inside.

Maybe I’m the only one, but I’m not ashamed of
medication, but I don’t see how it could help. how could a pill change my way of
thinking? Will taking a pill make me love my son more? Make me love being a
mother more?

I just don’t see it happening.

So, I
smile.

*************************************

I thought I would be “safe” posting those feelings on a blog I never comment on. By 11:30 my first email came. The subject line was “I couldn’t ignore you response” She went on to pour her heart out to me while telling me what helped her and she would do anything she could to help me.

20 minutes later, another subject flashed in the bottom of my screen “I’m sorry this is so random” Again, another brave mom who sat down and wrote me a LONG email about her struggles and how her heart broke reading my comment and she wanted me to know I wasn’t alone.

Again, another email and another email, until I received 6!!! emails from women I had never talked to before from a blog I don’t frequent.

My eyes welled up with tears at the thought that these women with lives and families and struggles of their own took time out of their day to email me and show me love.

I don’t know why I am constantly surprised and blown away by this community. The community we have is amazing.

Women that drop everything to offer support. Women that drop everything to offer advise on everything from cooking, to style to breast feeding and birth. We weep with each others sorrows with cheer with each others joy. We are a family. We talk about bodily functions that you shouldn’t mention in pubic. We offer breast milk and emergency breast feeding to each others children’s. We send each other presents and love notes. We drive hours to have lunch with each other. We are always there to commiserate in temper tantrum moments and we always invite ourselves to the pity parties! We all seem to have a bad day together, and we all seem to have good days together.

We are a family.

{just to reiterate. I am feeling better. MUCH better. I don’t have thoughts like that anymore about parenthood, or Miles. He is my sunshine these days, even when he is dark clouds and rainstorms, he is still my sunshine.}

Comments

  1. MomBabe says:

    And THAT, my love, is why we do it.

    xoxoxo

  2. Cassie says:

    I think you're so wonderfully brave.

  3. Mrs. Cline says:

    This post makes me love you even more than I did before. Thank you for being you, sweet friend. Thank you.

    xo.

  4. Katy B. says:

    I am so glad you have this amazing MMB community to embrace you. If only I had discovered them when I was going through what you were, only it was many many moons ago.
    This "club" we're in…that no one wants to be in or admit to being in, like an AA meeting…it is what it is.:)
    I am also so glad you're feeling better. Especially now that tomorrow is Mother's Day.:):):)

  5. Makes you wonder what moms did back in the day when there wasn't any support or medications.

    Glad your feeling better and your little guy is so adorable!

    Happy Mothers Day!

    Stopping by from MMB

  6. Mormon Mommy Blogs says:

    I'm so glad you found us. This is why we have our community.

    xoxo

  7. GRAMEE says:

    And I have never commented on your blog before.

    I suffered with PPD with all 3 of my babies over 30 years ago, people didn't talk about it then.. I had 3 in 3 years..

    Never giving myself enough time to
    get better from the last..

    I have suffered with Depression
    all my life.

    It is hard to talk about.

    But I have made many friends through blogging who understand and help me.

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