Most nights I arrive home only a hour before Miles goes to bed, yet somehow all I want to do it just sit down. Maybe read emails, catch up on what is going on that I missed.
Most nights, sadly, I don’t have a lot of patients for him. I know this is a HUGE parenting/mothering flaw I have, and I’m working on it. Slowly, I am working on it.
I hate that I don’t have patients for him. I hate that I almost loathe coming home knowing he’s going to be whining and crying. That he’s just going to pull on my pant leg while I try to do the dishes. Saying MaMa, MaMa, MaMa over an over. He’s going to want my shoe off, so he can hand it back to me and say MaMa. He’s going to want my pump so he can bring it to me and tell me it’s MaMa’s. He’ll want my glasses. He pushes my necklace into my mouth, while still saying MaMa. He needs me. Nobody else can touch him once I walk in the door. He doesn’t understand I have dinner to make, things to clean up, and I just want to relax.
He needs his MaMa. Someone he hasn’t even seen in 23 hours.
Most days I stand at the front door and take a deep breath before opening it.
My son sees me for only 5 hours during the week.
I see my own child less than a divorced parent.
Yet, I still have to work on being patient with him?? Letting him just need me?? Surrendering myself to him, like I should??
Most nights, those feelings all disappear as we sit on the edge of the bed after bath time. He’s still warm from the bath. He’s cuddled in soft pajamas, his hair still wet. His teeth are freshly brushed, he holds tight to his tooth brush. And we read.
I take that moment in. I never want that moment to end. I beg him not to go to bed, just to let me have one more moment. I ask him nightly when he’s moving to a big boy bed, and tell him how I am going to sleep every night with him, just to be with him a little longer. I tell him how I want to hug him so tight it squishes his guts out. And I do. I want to hug him so tight.
I this moment NOTHING else matters. He is mine. He holds my heart. My entire heart. He can have my glasses, he can have my necklace, and I will carry him around all evening just to be with him. In this moment of quiet, I want it all.