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I’m working on it..

Most nights I arrive home only a hour before Miles goes to bed, yet somehow all I want to do it just sit down. Maybe read emails, catch up on what is going on that I missed.

Most nights, sadly, I don’t have a lot of patients for him. I know this is a HUGE parenting/mothering flaw I have, and I’m working on it. Slowly, I am working on it.

I hate that I don’t have patients for him. I hate that I almost loathe coming home knowing he’s going to be whining and crying. That he’s just going to pull on my pant leg while I try to do the dishes. Saying MaMa, MaMa, MaMa over an over. He’s going to want my shoe off, so he can hand it back to me and say MaMa. He’s going to want my pump so he can bring it to me and tell me it’s MaMa’s. He’ll want my glasses. He pushes my necklace into my mouth, while still saying MaMa. He needs me. Nobody else can touch him once I walk in the door. He doesn’t understand I have dinner to make, things to clean up, and I just want to relax.

He needs his MaMa. Someone he hasn’t even seen in 23 hours.

Most days I stand at the front door and take a deep breath before opening it.

My son sees me for only 5 hours during the week.

5 hours.

I see my own child less than a divorced parent.

Yet, I still have to work on being patient with him?? Letting him just need me?? Surrendering myself to him, like I should??

Most nights, those feelings all disappear as we sit on the edge of the bed after bath time. He’s still warm from the bath. He’s cuddled in soft pajamas, his hair still wet. His teeth are freshly brushed, he holds tight to his tooth brush. And we read.

I take that moment in. I never want that moment to end. I beg him not to go to bed, just to let me have one more moment. I ask him nightly when he’s moving to a big boy bed, and tell him how I am going to sleep every night with him, just to be with him a little longer. I tell him how I want to hug him so tight it squishes his guts out. And I do. I want to hug him so tight.

I this moment NOTHING else matters. He is mine. He holds my heart. My entire heart. He can have my glasses, he can have my necklace, and I will carry him around all evening just to be with him. In this moment of quiet, I want it all.

reading

{You Capture – Quiet Hosted by : I Should Be Folding Laundry}

Comments

  1. The Household 6 Diva says:

    I love what you have written… I think I am too hard on my husband to be patient at the end of the day… thank you for the perspective…

    and I agree… nothing is better than cuddles after a bath and just before bed…

  2. what a deep, meaningful post.

    i used to drive faster the closer to home that i got. i used to also, loose my patience. they are now 15,14 & 11. they no longer need, wish, nor tolerate my presence around bathtime, and sometimes bedtime.

    breathe it in. squeeze him tight. kick off those heels and suck those pearls. this will all go too fast. i know.

    visiting from youcapture.

  3. Life with Kaishon says:

    Your baby is so precious. It is draining though! Being needed that much? : ) Treasure the moments though. They fly. Trust me. They FLY! : )

  4. Adventures In Babywearing says:

    Oh, such a sweet moment.

    Steph

  5. Julie Vision Designs says:

    I don't have kids, but I think what is amazing about this and what shows you are a good mom is that you know that this paradox exists.

    And, that is the cutest pic ever. :-)

  6. Ang and Matt says:

    Well stated. I know I am right there with you when it comes to the burdens we can all experience one way or another as we constantly adjust to the highs and lows of Parenthood. But it is those moments like the one you shared that ground us and make it all worthwhile.

  7. I could not understand this anymore if I had written it myself. I struggle with the patience, too. The balance between giving so much of myself all day long, then coming home and giving more, more, more. Last night I got frustrated because Luke wanted an extra story at bedtime. It was 8. I still hadn't showered. I had three loads of laundry to fold, and I just wanted to SIT and be.
    But I realize these moments are fleeting, so I left the laundry. I showered quickly and went to bed with hair still wet.

  8. Beautiful! We need to remember to enjoy those small moments because they don't last forever.

  9. I understand completely. Sometimes we need little reminders that these kids grow up too fast and all the other things aren't as important as being there for them.

    Well, I need that reminder all the time.

    My kids are jerks, though:)

  10. Ryley. This post is so beautiful.

  11. Upstatemomof3 says:

    What a beautiful, endearing post! How incredibly raw and emotional. I know exactly what you mean. I have feelings of frustration and being overwhelmed all the time but yet when I sit and rock my daughter to sleep I know how great I have it.

  12. Beautiful post.
    I'm with the majority on this. At the end of the day, I'm so drained from hearing mama mama mama and the tantrums, that I sometimes feel like locking myself in the bathroom and taking a long, hot bath. Let my husband, who's been having adult conversations, and solving adult problems all day, handle him.
    But then he says something cute, or gives me a kiss, or a hug… and I melt. Suddenly it doesn't matter that 5 minutes ago he was driving me nuts with his picky eating habits.
    What a wild, emotional ride motherhood is!

  13. ToadMama says:

    Thank you for admitting life is not perfect and motherhood is not always bliss. Try to savor these moments while you can. I know it's hard with a gazillion things on the "to do" list though.

  14. shopannies says:

    when my children were very small I worked so much that I cherished those special moments we shared together

  15. Adventures In Babywearing says:

    I wanted to come back and check in, and just also say that we ALL want it all. There's so much time in my day that I should be more attentive to the kids and I am not. And I think they could be getting so much better than what I can give them. It's hard.

    Steph

  16. TEACHBROECK says:

    I sometimes look at the clock and count the hours til bedtime…I feel guilty once in awhile too. Knowing I have a 10 year old that needs JUST AS much from after he goes to bed. And the new baby growing will need some time too.

  17. Patience is probably the thing I struggle most with in life – period. And with a child, it is that much harder. But I can tell what a fantastic mother you are!

  18. Such a beautiful post…. I stumbled across your blog while reading a friend's blog. I'm a working mom too – I have two kids. Your post was so encouraging. Thank you so much for sharing it!

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